| (no subject) |
[Apr. 23rd, 2009|01:26 am] |
good days are bad days, bad days are good days. when will the paradox end? being young is supposed to be amazing, a beautiful struggle. well, it feels sloppy to me. i am angered by it all.
a girl i barely knew said something tragically stupid to me on the shuttle bus about a week ago, and i cant let go of it. i am not much more mature than she is, but she felt miles away from me. i don't remember the exact phrasing, i just remember she "got grounded", and has something called "angst"
i am no survivor of any tragedy, i haven't "overcome obstacles" and i'm just some silly white middle class girl at a state college. i am no better than anyone else, and i tend to put the needs of others, no matter how minuscule, before my own... just like most other people. it creates stress, as i'm sure you're familiar with it.
my dad discovered my motive for just about everything i do: to push people's buttons. i feel transparent to him now, and i wonder if he discusses these things with the rest of my extended family. then again, probably not. it's my dad, after all, and he won't even tell someone he's taking aspirin.
this entry is disjointed.
does adding the suffix "-zilla" to a word make it evil? "bridezilla" "duckzilla"......."mozilla"?????
not going to mother's day at my uncles this year again. for a complete and total opposite reason now.
today was so wonderful, tonight was upsetting.
i want to move away, run away from all this shit. i've never before expressed any sort of interest in leaving new england, but it want out right now. i hope the urge passes soon, i don't like feeling this trapped. trapped by money, by education restraints, by family, by obligations, by jobs..... by everything, really.
i think i know what this entry needs.
fuck everyone.
i feel better now.
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| blech. |
[Mar. 30th, 2009|07:15 pm] |
got rejected from a medication study cause i have no insurance.
i have an urge to go to the alpine slides. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2009|01:12 am] |
funny shit i stumbled upon to those who've known me for awhile:
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) davelvsj
man, what a weird 16 year old obsessive bf i had.
other than that, i've been going to the gym for a month now, about 3-5 times a week. :)
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2009|11:17 am] |
my freshman year at emerson i lived in a quad, one of two on campus. we all came from different backgrounds, different religions, different personalities, etc.
but i really loved them like sisters. even though sometimes something would be dirty, or someone would snore, or someone (me) would stumble in drunk, or i'd walk in on one of them gettin busy... i considered them like sisters, and i always tried to extend a hand to them when i went out. whether it be for food, shopping, whatever.
we used to call ourselves the quad squad, an obvious reference.
i confided in them, some awful things that happened to me, what my issues were and other things.
one thing happened.
at the end of the school year, they went out to dinner with this guy who was friends with us, and didn't invite me. i got really upset, and told them how upset i was. i cried, i was so incredibly hurt. after months and months of inviting them everywhere i went, just hoping that once they'd come along, i was brutally snubbed.
then the pictures got posted online, with the caption "the quad squad together!" under them, with out me there.
i miss them a lot, my first roommates. it broke my heart at the end. was i that terrible of a person? was i that awful to live with? was i just too different? too annoying? i still don't know why they abandoned me that day. they gave me reasons like, "oh, i thought you didn't want to go, i thought you were working, i thought you were with your bf, i thought you had hw"
i just don't know. it still hurts, and that was 2006. |
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| i admit wrongdoing. |
[Oct. 2nd, 2008|10:37 pm] |
ok, after all that. i have conceded to Lili, because i can't deal with the fact that i have been such an immeasurably huge bitch.
sent her a myspace message cause its the only way to get in touch with her, and i dont even know what to expect. my instinct says nothing. she's going to ignore it, and silently think to herself that she won.
don't blame her, really.
i may not really understand FULLY why she "Cut me off" but whatever, i reacted STUPIDLY for a solid year.
granted, i was mad, and also granted i have a knack for blending four-letter words with four dollar words... doesn't really excuse me.
sorry. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2008|01:38 am] |
1:40 am. i don't have the patience nor the caffeine to tackle all that's happened since mother's day. at least not in this entry.
but today i visited jess hilton and dan (the most functional people i know) to visit jess' mom's girlfriend Donna.
Sharon and Donna, Jess' parents, have always been a part of my high school life and onward. They both moved to South Carolina, where i had feared that Jess would move to as well. I remember going to Jess' yellow house, with directions like: take a left out of your street, go straight for a fucking long time and when you can't because there is a "do not enter," take a right. the house is yellow with a yellow suv outside. WZE are the letters on the license plate. YOU CANT MISS IT.
these are the details i get. the car and the license plate.
anyways, sharon and donna were always cool with my loud obnoxious ways, we got weird shower caps together and i hacked and sneezed almost constantly in their zoo (oh, sorry, house) filled with pets. dogs, cats, birds, fish...... whatever. also, since they were lesbians they were cool with my bisexuality. they were just psyched i wasn't dating their daughter. (or were they? at that point, jess' dating choices were certainly less than popular.)
i could talk to sharon and/or donna about anything, including the stuff with my mom. and they never thought i was psycho or a loser, like what i think most people seem to think. the general concensus seems to be that i'm a basket case.
to sum it up, while i was quickly speaking to sharon on the phone tonight, she told me that I was her favorite one of jess' friends.
and i wanted to cry.
cause i have great friends. they do stuff for me, they answer my blubber-blabber phone calls, they eat raw fish with me, they're so damn smart.... etc....
but to think that this girl's mother thinks i'm the best one of any number of friends she has, that i have been a GOOD INFLUENCE on her? thats just damn touching.
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switching to the opposite direction, i walked into lili last week in the cafeteria. we quickly mumbled hi and ran away.
cause it sucked, really, losing someone who you think is gonna be there for you cause you've been there for them. bitterness aside, i was embarassed. probably due to the sheer volume of "vagina slang" i shot at her this time last year. its never right to touch vag and tell, i guess.
yes, world, there was once a halloween night in which Lili and myself were locked up in a Jamaica Plain cupbord and proceded to maul her sexually. she then told everyone the next day that i "raped her" which was contrary to the camera phone evidence (her hand was pulling my neck in).
ALAS this is ancient history. just maybe everyone should know the REAL reason why she hates me.
______________________________________
love, love, love..... H and I have been together TWO YEARS. thats two years since i was dating Monica, two years since i slept with Paul (who graduated already, which makes me feel a bit inadequate), THREE years since my entire brain was turned upside down, three years since i've fist been drunk, three and a half years since i've first been stoned, and FOUR years since i've lost my virginity.
we are NOT ANYWHERE NEAR perfect. not even close, not even suggested. we fight more often than say, many couples. some of my friends, who do not see the day to day interaction, have even gone so far as to discourage my relationship.
but we really do love each other. we are two only-children who are stubborn as fuck trying to live in love. and we fail a lot. take for example the fact that i am a cunty bitch. that certainly doesn't help. also, take into account that he's a know-it-all asshole. that makes things difficult too.
but i fucking love every know-it-all word that comes out of his asshole mouth. and i know he loves all the cunty things that come out of my bitch mouth.
EXAGGERATION. some things i don't like, he must certainly feel the same. but when we are good, we are SO GOOD. and when we're bad, we want to tear all of our hair out.
we'll get the hang of it eventually.
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oh yeah: won the writing contest. first place. $150! had to read it out loud. i am awesome.
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losing weight on the south beach diet. it is good, but i miss my two lovers ben and jerry.
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celebrated my 21st birthday with H, dave, jeremy, and melba in Boston. drunk off three drinks as usual since i'm purely a pothead, and had a blast.
_________________________________________
i think i missed the biggest event. crazy cause it's pretty much unmissable: I broke my wrist. this is my facebook note i wrote on the subject:
( THIS IS MY AWESOMELY LONG STORY )
i think that'll do it for tonight.
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| well..... |
[Sep. 26th, 2008|12:20 pm] |
here i am.
i'm still alive.
lots to tell, i guess!
eventually, that is.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2008|03:46 pm] |
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I used to have a girlfriend known as Elsie With whom I shared Four sordid rooms in Chelsea She wasn't what you'd call A blushing flower...As a matter of fact She rented by the hour. The day she died the neighbors came to snicker: "Well, thats what comes from to much pills and liquor." But when I saw her laid out like a Queen, She was the happiest...corpse...I'd ever seen. I think of Elsie to this very day. I'd remember how'd she turn to me and say: "What good is sitting alone in your room? Come hear the music play. Life is a Cabaret, old chum, Come to the Cabaret." And as for me, I made up my mind back in Chelsea, When I go, I'm going like Elsie. Start by admitting From cradle to tomb Isn't that long a stay. Life is a Cabaret, old chum, Only a Cabaret, old chum, And I love a Cabaret! |
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| what. |
[Aug. 24th, 2008|04:46 pm] |
i am twenty one. finally. someone pinch me!
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| usually, the IRS is the enemy. today, the IRS is my hero. |
[May. 3rd, 2008|10:55 pm] |
Yesterday, in a misunderstanding, my dad cashed all of my checks (that i wrote him over a month ago) that i thought he had already cashed. I got paid yesterday as well, and when i went to look at my balance online to see if my check had gone through, it was in negative numbers.
OMG!
needless to say, i panicked, since i had bought 40 bucks of gas and i have another check waiting to be cashed.
in my panic i called jess hilton, and i was sobbing uncontrollably. blubbering, if you will. "WAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" she offered to bail me out.
after bitching and moaning i collapsed in a sleepy stupor until i woke up at FIVE THIRTY PM. that left me thirty minutes to be at work.
so i marathoned. and i got there only a few (ten?) minutes late. while in the car, i was listening intently for my two best friends to flash a radio dj on WBCN (boobie friday. the things people do for concert tickets huh?). I tried to stay in my car for as long as possible, i had to leave to go punch in. work ruins everything.
My dad agreed to drop off the money to avoid copious fees and such. He forgot that the bank closes at 2pm, however. so i was pretty much accepting the fate of fees upon fees.
BUT THERE IS A GOD. and his initials are IRS.
I came home and saw my tax refund smiling back at me. gone are the threats of fees and such, because my government came to my rescue.
if i wasn't such a good human being, i'd consider becoming a republican. |
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| WE SHALL OVERCOME |
[May. 1st, 2008|10:59 pm] |
someday, everything will be lovely. but not now.
The sun on the meadow is summery warm
The stag in the forest runs free
But gathered together to greet the storm
Tomorrow belongs to me
The branch on the linden is leafy and green
The Rhine gives its gold to the sea
But somewhere a glory awaits unseen
Tomorrow belongs to me
Now Fatherland, Fatherland, show us the sign
Your children have waited to see
The morning will come
When the world is mine
Tomorrow belongs to me
The babe in his cradle is closing his eyes
The blossom embraces the bee
But soon says the whisper, arise, arise
Tomorrow belongs to me
Tomorrow belongs to me |
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| honestly...... |
[Apr. 26th, 2008|09:33 pm] |
do i REALLY look that much like Alyson Hannigan?
Do i just not see it?
I got it like four times in the last week by TOTAL STRANGERS.
so seriously, guys... comment in your opinions. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 30th, 2008|01:46 am] |
i swear to god, i watched wrestlemania tonight. as a girl, wrestling would not be half as survive-able without a gigantic bowl being passed. here's to being a girl! a girl who deals with stupid ass boy shit the way we all should: with pot. lots of it.
tonight i'm pulling my second all nighter of my salem state career (?). and i decided consciously to do it this time. i have an almost-empty giant liter of diet chocolate milk next to me. de-lish. i may OD on dairy products. that wouldn't be pretty.
i've been losing some weight. i bought new work pants. this may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but a year ago in february i bought fat work pants, size 20. three pairs. those three pairs of pants got rotated every single day i had work from then till now. (keep in mind i was a full-timer until this september) i swore to myself i wouldn't buy new work pants until i lost weight. so today i bought my first pair of "in-between" pants, size 16. they fit great, my butt looks better than a year ago, and hopefully i'll be buying another pair of "in-between" pants, for when these get too loose, soon. down two sizes is very encouraging. it's going, even if it's slow.
tomorrow (well, today since it is officially "tomorrow" already) is my mom's 45th birthday. it's a weird thing.
anyways, i'm all about self-improvement recently.
and thinking that maybe things don't always have to be other's fault. like i was thinking about my past relationships and how i would always complain about them being very critical of me. maybe it wasn't something terrible, but more like them asking for the same things i'd ask of them. what i didn't see was myself slowly packing on pounds and ignoring it.
anyhoo. i'm trying not to revert back to my slacker ways, like in high school. i was "little miss hand-in-your-paper-6-days-to-4-weeks-after-the-due-date" and in some aspects, i still am that girl. things that are late right now: a bunch of reading responses, two observation papers, a profile paper, chapter questions, 7 psych papers for homework, and i still need to take a midterm and a history quiz. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT. ok so i'm still a slacker, i've NEVERR been able to stick to deadlines... ever.
there are a few things i would like to address about myself and improve: 1) self control with eating and working out 2) being on time to things and work 3) meeting deadlines 4) see the jessi (that is jess, plural for all youze guys out there) 5) keep more promises.
OH! and pay off my debt. cause i am in debt, by the way.
ps: the maxima is gone. i sold it for three hundred dollars. WOW. i watched my car and my virginity location get towed out of my driveway. ::sob::
i now have a '94 nissan sentra!
true story: the guy i bought it from said it was "gold" but it is actually a light tan-ish brown-ish beige. however! this did not stop him from (trying to) cover up holes in the paint with GOLD SPRAY PAINT. yeah, my car looks like someone took a piss on it in random spots. you got something to say about it?
no one really uses livejournal anymore. i read like four people's entries over and over. i guess i'm not helping, i don't write often and when i do it's a fucking clusterbomb of too much text, too much information, you name it. too much.
i watched "across the universe" and i loved it just like a pseudo-activist chick should. i say "pseudo" because even though i really do give a shit about stuff, i don't have the time, luxury, money, or anything of that nature to become a picketer, a envelope licker, a public speaker, or even a t-shirt wearer for any cause. natural foods, i try to buy them and then get to the register to realize that my hummus, flax oil and soy crunchies come to about the same amount as a month's pay. civil rights, i try to fight for them then get a foreigner at work and want to strangle them. anti-war, i try to make it happen but i can't attend meetings, donate to the cause or march on Washington. the truth is, i'm a working student from a broken home with mental issues. so won't you please consider donating a dollar a day, less than a cup of coffee, to the "Jen Really just wants a Good Life" fund? your money could be funding her lipgloss purchases and ability to make that extra leap from "grande" to "venti". you'll also recieve periodic photo updates (from her cell phone) of her in front of a bathroom mirror making a kissy-face in various poses. so please, pick up that phone, and make a difference in this girl's life. (also accepting paypal.)
jokes aside. i'm fucking broke.
maybe, since it's 3 AM, i should get some work done. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 8th, 2008|04:16 pm] |
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jeeeeeeeeeez no one is posting. my life isn't interesting, i need to read about yours. :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 27th, 2008|07:38 pm] |
i saw roast beef vag today with the faggy ladyboy.
that is all. :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 7th, 2008|10:58 pm] |
Matt Shearer is a god. this is a survey posted by him.
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